i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
