So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
