matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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