I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
