There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
