if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He better not be in your backpack
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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