he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize
