Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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