Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
