I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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