I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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