We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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