You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
