your parents love me but you hate me
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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