Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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