Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
