dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
