Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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