I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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