I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
