Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
