So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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