WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
