do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
