No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
