I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
