she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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