last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
