The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
