Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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