i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You're a waste of cheezeits
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
