I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
