I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize