i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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