turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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