he puts the penis in happiness.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize