My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Randomize
