Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
