how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
