I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
