I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
