Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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