I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
