there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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