I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
