I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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