why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My hand turned me down
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
