I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
