I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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