the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
