so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
