remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
