wrigley field is MILF paradise
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
