i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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