IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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