I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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